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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. 
-Whitney Brown


Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better
idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far,
the Universe is winning." 
- Rich Cook


Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His reply


A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was
murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know
there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'" 
- (Jake Johansen)


Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take
him in a car he sticks his head out the window! 
- Steve Bluestone


Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster
than you is a maniac? 
- George Carlin


The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
 -- Franklin P. Jones


Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of
others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so. 
-- Douglas Adams


If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of
something you did." -Jack Handey


"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering
from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're
okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown.


While you are away, movie stars are taking your women. Robert Redford
is dating your girlfriend, Tom Selleck is kissing your lady,
Bart Simpson is making love to your wife.
Clueless Iraqi radio announcer, Baghdad Betty, trying to demoralize
American Gulf War troops.


It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by
resorting to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort
to physics or chemistry.
H. L. Mencken


Where would Christianity be if Jesus got eight to fifteen years,
with time off for good behavior?
New York Senator James H. Donovan commenting on capital punishment.


There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
- C.A.R. Hoare


"People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid. "
- Soren Aabye Kierkegaard (1813-1855)


"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is. "
- Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut


"C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows
away your whole leg."
- Bjarne Stroustrup


"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
- Voltaire (1694-1778)


"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
- Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)


"Black holes are where God divided by zero."
- Steven Wright


"If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe."
- Carl Sagan


"Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
"
- Guy Davenport


"What do you take me for, an idiot?"
General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journalist asked him if he was happy


"Logic is in the eye of the logician. "
- Gloria Steinem


"The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
"
- General George Patton (1885-1945)


"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. "
- Voltaire (1694-1778)


"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. "
- Carl Gustav Jung (1875-1961)


"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through
not dying."
- Woody Allen (1935-)


"Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research. "
- Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)


"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know. "
- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)


"Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies."
- Voltaire (1694-1778) on his deathbed in response to a priest asking that he renounce Satan.


"We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction."
- General Douglas MacArthur (1880-1964)


"If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?"
- Seymour Cray (1925-1996), father of supercomputing


"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle. "
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)


"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving
birth to a child. She must be found and stopped."
-- Sam Levenson (1911-1980)


No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
	H. L. Mencken


If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today
cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside.

	Robert Cringely/InfoWorld


To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
	Orben's Current Comedy


More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads.  One path leads to despair and utter
hopelessness, the other to total extinction.  Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose
correctly.
	Woody Allen


The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to
adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
	George Bernard Shaw


To love is to suffer.  To avoid suffering one must not love.  But then one suffers from not
loving.  Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer.
To be happy is to love.  To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy.
Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.
	Woody Allen


Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I
love, I can:  all of them make me laugh.
	W. H. Auden


If the human mind was simple enough to understand, we'd be too simple to understand it.
	Emerson Pugh


A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
	Winston Churchill


I like pigs.  Dogs look up to us.  Cats look down on us.  Pigs treat us as equals.
	Winston Churchill


It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:  freedom of speech,
freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
	Mark Twain


These are bagpipes.  I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a
man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm.  Unfortunately, the man-made sound
never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.
	Alfred Hitchcock


If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that
afternoon would read:  PRESIDENT CAN'T SWIM
	Lyndon B. Johnson


Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.
	Laurence J. Peter


Any clod can have the facts; having opinions is an ART.
	Charles McCabe 


No doubt, a scientist isn't necessarily penalized for being a complex, versatile, eccentric
individual with lots of extra-scientific interests.  But it certainly doesn't help him a bit.

	Stephen Toulmin


One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast to the popular
conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, a goodly number of scientists
are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also just stupid.   
	James Watson  


Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
	Woody Allen


 Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either. 	
	Joseph Fischer 


Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as
if nothing had happened.
	Winston Churchil


Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
         Ashleigh Brilliantl


A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
         Bob Hope


"His ignorance is encyclopedic"
        Abba Eban (1915-)


"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us.  "He is full of
murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
their ignorance the hard way."
        Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"


I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked
at in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
        Poul Anderson


Ogden's Law:
	The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.


Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
	No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.


Oh, I don't blame Congress.  If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
be irresponsible, too.
          Lichty & Wagner


When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
          George Bernard Shaw


ollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
	If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
it wasn't worth doing.

Pohl's law:
	Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.


America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.
		-- John O'Hara

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes
you nothing.  It was here first."
		-- Mark Twain

If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
he gave it to.
		-- Dorthy Parker


After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not
for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
		-- P. J. O'Rourke


You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
		-- Dean Martin


[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the
vices I admire.
		-- Winston Churchill


Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
                -- H. L. Mencken


Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
                -- Samuel Butler


You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
                -- Sydney Harris


The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
and color, but also on ability.
                -- T. Lehrer


Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading:  Was it done,
is it being done, or is something to be done?  Reports are now written
in four tenses:  past tense, present tense, future tense, and
pretense.  Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer),
defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the
absolutely perfect future.
                -- Amrom Katz


The philosophers of the Middle Ages demonstrated both that the Earth did not exist and
also that it was flat.  Today they are still arguing about whether the world exists, but
they no longer dispute about whether it is flat.   
	Vilhjalmur Stefansson  


If a woman seeks education it is probably because her sexaul apparatus is malfunctioning.
	Nietzsche

"I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it
scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it.
                -- Steven Wright


Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant
intelligence.
                -- Henrik Tikkanen

If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a
conclusion.
                -- William Baumol

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It's already
tomorrow in Australia.
                -- Charles Schultz


One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
                -- Professor Charles P. Issawi

If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
dropped.  The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to
maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it
must drop.  The law of gravity supercedes the law of golf.
                -- Donald A. Metz

Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
orgasms?  The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
                -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
                   Teen Should Know"

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
        Did you ever try buying them without money?
                -- Ogden Nash

"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual
certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I
became a scientist.  This is like becoming an archbishop so you can
meet girls."
                -- Matt Cartmill

For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
and wrong.
                -- H. L. Mencken

Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
                -- D. J. Hicks


Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
                -- John Kenneth Galbraith


The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.  It is never any
use to oneself.
                -- Oscar Wilde


Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
it's one of the best.
                -- Woody Allen

Chemistry is applied theology.
                -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III


A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
                -- George Wald


Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
see it tried on him personally.
                -- A. Lincoln

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
                -- Frank Zappa

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
do and always a clever thing to say.
                -- Will Durant

"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
number.  You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash
and another number."
                -- James Estes

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be.
Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in
automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.
                -- Art Buchwald

"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my
body.  Then I realized who was telling me this."
                -- Emo Phillips


"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
usual way.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
thinks of complaining."
                -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal

Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
                -- Louise Beal

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
                -- Redd Foxx

"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of
paper."
                -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
                   taken over by Rupert Murdoch


"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire,
and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
		-- Terry Pratchett.


"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. 
 Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one 
 and asked Him to forgive me."
                -- Emo Philips.


 "When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job 
  knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why
  me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just
  something about you that pisses me off."
                -- Stephen King.


"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their
 feet,what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
               -- Steven Wright. 


"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of
 course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
               -- Eric Morecambe.


"Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids." Does this mean that
 the other three enjoy it?
               -- Sal Davino 


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
               -- Jack Nicholson