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Deborah Tannen: You’re wearing that? Understanding mothers and daughters in conversation. Random House. (2006)
I know, I know … this is a bestseller! It is a kind of “communication for dummies”, about conversations between mothers and grown daughters. But it is well written and fun to read, and I guarantee that whether you are a mother or a daughter, you’ll find some of the situations in the book familiar.
Tannen is professor in linguistics at Georgetown University, and has written a handful of similar books on conversations. What makes this book enjoyable for a non-linguist is the many examples on conversations between mothers and daughters. Typically you’ll find examples on the mother’s tendency to criticise her daughter’s clothes and the daughter’s fear of and/or wish to be like her mother, how new media changes the way we communicate, and a list of qualifications necessary for motherhood. Tannen analyzes the conversations and decodes them for us, by showing how many conversations have an underlying metamessage. She explains how many conversations develop in the wrong direction because one of the parts fails to read the metamessage, and thus might misinterpret a well-meaning comment as criticism.
Some of the conversations and examples will be familiar to the general reader. Others seem more far-fetched to me, which might be due to a slight cultural difference between the United States and Norway. Personally I find it strange that a mother would call her daughter every day, or that some daughters truly enjoy shopping with their mum! Or what about this example, where a mother thinks her daughter wears one black and one blue sock. Tannen explains the conversation like this: ”Questioning whether you made sure that you didn’t mistake navy blue for black (something, incidentally, we have all done at one time or another) is just the sort of thing that only a mother could do: Who else would worry about the color of your socks? Who else could you show your new socks to in the first place?” (p. 241) Not that I’m in the habit of mistaking black for blue, but really – my mother couldn’t care less about what socks I’m wearing, and I wouldn’t dream of showing my mother, or anyone else for that matter, my new socks! Hey, mum, look at my new socks! I don’t think so!. Or maybe I’m a bit weird?
Anyway, if you like this book, you probably should take a look at her other ones, for instance You just don’t understand: Women and men in conversation. You’ll find most of her books in the library on this number: 801.57 Tan
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